Last weekend I tuned into the OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) network because I had absolutely nothing else better to do (Seriously, with the exception of all those Tyler Perry soaps I find absolutely nothing redemptive about OWN. And if you know me you will know I dislike Tyler Perry passionately...so it is saying a lot that "The Haves and The Have Nots" is my go to show on OWN). However, it was the season premiere of "Iyanla Fix My Life" and the topic was about closeted Gay Black Pastors dealing with their stuff (i.e. emotional, psychological, and sexual stuff). Needless to say I sat down my clicker and got some pop corn...
Essentially, the nuts and bolts of the premiere episode (aside from Oprah and Iyanla milking the myth of the black down low boogie man for everything it is worth, again. I'm surprised there wasn't a special guess appearance from J.L. King) was about two black pastors on the brink of insanity due to the juxtaposition of their homosexuality again their southern baptist leanings. One of these girls literally (and I do mean literally) fell over into bed, completely immobile, whilst wailing and gnashing his teeth. Chile, Iyanla had to put on her best Prissy from "Gone With The Wind" and pretend like she knew something about birthing babies. She had to put a towel over his head and everything because the brother was just broken. All the years of deception and cognitive dissonance had finally hit him like falling piano. I legit felt sorry for him, seriously. To see someone break under that strain and pressure is altogether pitiful.
Now, speaking only for myself, I am an Atheist (Google it. It doesn't mean I worship Satan because I don't believe in him either). I've been an Atheist for approximately the past ten years. Naturally, I felt some revulsion for the content and subject matter.
On the one hand I found this episode relateable simply because, as a Black Gay Man myself, I grew up in an African American fundamentalist Southern Baptist household. Trust and believe (and not by choice) that I was in church three days a week and twice on Sunday (for early service and late service).
I was in youth group.
I was in the youth choir.
I was in vacation Bible School for two weeks every summer.
I even took adult Bible class because everyone was so impressed by how super fundamentalist I was.
I even took adult Bible class because everyone was so impressed by how super fundamentalist I was.
By the time I was 13 years old I was a good little drone for Jesus (a tiny Prince Toddy for Christ if you will). I had the religion force fed to me since the cradle (and probably earlier than that).
But of course, as we all know (and Iyanla said this in the piece), in the black community you can be anything you want to be. Just don't be Gay.
You can be a drug dealer.
You can be in and out of prison.
You can be a high school drop out.
You can have 15 kids with 12 baby mamas and two on the way but...
Just so long as you aren't kissing another man you are good, you can be redeemed.
You seriously can do anything pathological and detrimental to society and black folks will forgive you for it. But you say that you're gay? You will be fortunate to get out of the room alive.
Hearkening back...
But of course, as we all know (and Iyanla said this in the piece), in the black community you can be anything you want to be. Just don't be Gay.
You can be a drug dealer.
You can be in and out of prison.
You can be a high school drop out.
You can have 15 kids with 12 baby mamas and two on the way but...
Just so long as you aren't kissing another man you are good, you can be redeemed.
You seriously can do anything pathological and detrimental to society and black folks will forgive you for it. But you say that you're gay? You will be fortunate to get out of the room alive.
Hearkening back...
So, while I was the christian Creme Dela Creme on the outside I was screaming on the inside.
My internal secret war against my sexual orientation would have put any Marvel reboot of The Infinity Gauntlet to shame.
It was epic.
It was almost tragic.
I spent my early adolescence and my teen years trying to make myself into a heterosexual (so jesus would wove me. ::sad pouty face here::).
I spent my early adolescence and my teen years trying to make myself into a heterosexual (so jesus would wove me. ::sad pouty face here::).
Retrospectively it was beyond pathetic. Therefore, to that end, I understood these men because I was one of them. However, now, watching this, my emotions are not nearly as palpable as they would have been 10 years ago. Since I've lived a religion and god free life for all this time the concept of reconciling god with my sexuality seems like three lifetimes ago. Once, something so significant to me is no longer even a passing thought.
After freeing myself from religion, specifically Christianity, I found the freedom to cultivate my own identity. Now I revel in my sexuality. I can finally look in the mirror and not be burdened by guilt or shame simply because I am being who I was born to be, a black GAY man.
All of that said...
While I do understand I cannot accept the continued insistence of black gay men who tether themselves to Christianity, to the point of being psychologically bludgeoned because of it. I say this because I managed to escape. I allowed myself to face the realization that if I didn't make a change I'd be stuck playing into what everyone else believed that I should have been. In the end my wellness was much more important to me than an edict.
While I do understand I cannot accept the continued insistence of black gay men who tether themselves to Christianity, to the point of being psychologically bludgeoned because of it. I say this because I managed to escape. I allowed myself to face the realization that if I didn't make a change I'd be stuck playing into what everyone else believed that I should have been. In the end my wellness was much more important to me than an edict.
There are so many black gay men who are walking about: wounded, damaged, and defeated, but still clinging to jesus. Moreover, it isn't simply the insistence on adhering to religion insofar as Christianity, specifically, having absolutely nothing for you. As a matter of fact it admonishes you and everything that you are. The bible is an anti gay document, period. You may cherry pick all you want to but that should not be good enough. All I needed to see was a single anti gay verse and know that, "You know what? I am so much better than this."
It is baffling to me how many of the biggest gay whores (giving away @$$ like chicken dinners at ATL pride) will quickly proclaim Christianity and admonish people like me who have no religion. It is maddening how so many black gay men will espouse the obligatory, "Your sin is no bigger than mine" cliche. Question: Why do you view your sexual orientation as a sin if you are affirmed in it? Answer: You are not. Moreover, the insistence on adhering to heterosexual norms and gender archetypes is all the more prevalent. Guys (and girls) those concepts do not have us in mind. We are not included.
So, what will it take for us to really take a look at this religion, third person, and approach what it is doing to us?
Granted, I am not holding my breathe when it comes to black people and jesus. Slave massah gave us jesus and we refuse to let that nigga go. However, as black gay men, we have to reach some happy medium wherein we allow ourselves to be healthy individuals first and then make choices, religious or otherwise, about the role faith plays in our lives. We owe it to ourselves to be healthy and whole.
So, what will it take for us to really take a look at this religion, third person, and approach what it is doing to us?
Granted, I am not holding my breathe when it comes to black people and jesus. Slave massah gave us jesus and we refuse to let that nigga go. However, as black gay men, we have to reach some happy medium wherein we allow ourselves to be healthy individuals first and then make choices, religious or otherwise, about the role faith plays in our lives. We owe it to ourselves to be healthy and whole.
Anyway, I am going to watch the rest of that Iyanla Fix My Life episode.
Prince Todd.
Prince Todd.
