#Boyfriendable : Why are you Single?

"Why are you single?"

I get this question a lot. Whether I am on a date or in a casual setting If I happen to so much as mention that I don't have a significant other people will look at me like I have a tree growing out the side of my neck.

"How do you not have a boyfriend?!" is usually the next question, followed by, "You seem like a real catch!"

Honestly, up until now (which I'll detail later in this writing), I had no earthly clue as to why I am perpetually single. As a matter of fact I never gave much thought to it in the first place.

I personally find the question rude and extremely obnoxious. The only reason people ask it in the first place is because they've already, in their mind, deemed you viable enough to bed down (i.e. attractive, smart, funny, and whatever other traits may grab their attention). This question is completely precautionary insofar as they want to make sure you're not criminally insane enough to castrate them should they wind up using you and throwing you away like a bucket of month old rancid chitlins.

Just the thought of being vetted like this is offensive, so much so that I'm thinking about walking out on dates and leaving them with the check if It is ever posed to me again. Apparently, if you haven't been with someone in a certain amount of time (I'm thinking the maximum is six months, given how these girls hop from one "true love" to another) that automatically renders you "defective" because CLEARLY nobody wants you for a reason (the culture of self blame is huge in the gay community). It's kinda the way I used to vet candidates for jobs when I was a Recruiter, which is exactly why I left the Recruitment industry.

Past behavior is not always indicative of a person's current state of mind. Honestly, I would be more afraid of someone who has a string of broken hearts on their resume rather than the guy who had a break up years ago and, just this instant, finally feels comfortable enough to step back into the dating pool.

I get that.

Unfortunately, I used to buy into the former school of thought (much too much to my detriment), which left me wondering, speculating, pontificating, and spending copious amounts of time with therapists, trying to figure out why I wasn't involved in a relationship ages ago?

"Maybe I'm too picky?" (It got to the point where I thought requiring a guy to have a job was too high of a standard. "Okay, maybe I can upgrade this nigga and get him hired at McDonalds?" Chile, I am glad I eschewed that mentality expeditiously)

"Maybe men are intimidated by me?" (I am the type of person who walks chin up and eyes open to the world. I don't have that world weary type face. I'm kinda innocent but not really naive. So maybe that intimidates people, perhaps)

"Maybe I look like I couldn't careless?"

Maybe, maybe, and maybe...

Again, due to the heightened levels of insecurity I'd amassed around that time, I stayed up nights wondering how and why someone as good as me was perpetually single. Hell, I haven't been in a long term monogamous relationship in the past five years, so there had to be something to it right?

• I think I'm really fly (I've been told that I have a: great smile, nice skin, big pretty brown eyes, nice legs, and dress really snappy. And a lot of guys say I have a nice @$$ too, but that's a pretty common trait in the black community).
• I have a great personality (sweet but kinda tart as well, like a bag of sour patch kids. Introverted yet extroverted simultaneously. And I love animals).
• I'm employed (In a good position with upward mobility potential and benefits).
• I have my own place (I've been on my own for the past five years).
• I even have my own car (Well, you need a car around these parts. The closest corner store is usually two miles away. But still I have a car). 

Overall, I'm a good catch. You would think I would have been boo'ed up ages ago; however, for some reason things haven't played that way for me, at least not yet.

Granted, almost six years ago I was in an romantic relationship. It ended after two years but, yeah, I was in a deep relationship for all intents and purposes. I won't go into any specific details about it except to say that it was my first really big LOVE thing. Seriously, I was butt crazy in L-O-V-E with that dude. Prior to meeting him I had dibbled and dabbled with other gentlemen callers (I wasn't a virgin by any means) but I was still new to the whole idea of being so connected to another person in that manner.

Then one day, almost eight years ago, I get an instant message from some guy that liked my blog and commentary and it all started from there. My love for him took me completely unawares because he wasn't exactly the type of guy that I saw myself winding up with. But one day I woke up with him on my mind and I knew I was all in.  Again, I won't dole out the full details on that part of my life (as it was well chronicled and documented on my old, now defunct, blog); however, If you have known me for any length of time you will probably remember that instance as well.

That said it began as a long distance relationship that ultimately wound up with us finally getting together in person and consummating everything. However, shortly afterwards (a few weeks to be exact), everything came falling apart like a tornado beaten sand castle. And there I was again, alone, sifting through the emotional wreckage. While I couldn't admit to it then (too much pride and way too much shame) I was absolutely devastated when things turned out the way that they did.

This person whom I loved and trusted more than anyone else in the world was suddenly no longer a presence in my life.

The daily hours long phone calls ended (that I used to rush home from work for).
The long conversations that so exhilarated me were now replaced by the silence that I had weaned myself off of.
The person that, at that time, you couldn't have told me that we wouldn't be together when we were old and gray was suddenly a phantom.
We unfriended on Facebook and began a series of petty snipe attacks on one another (so vicious were they you wouldn't have thought that, at onetime, we loved each other) before long I just blocked his account (because it was easier to pretend as though he never happened in the first place as opposed to seeing our drama play out on a social media stage).
When I did that I had to fully embrace the inevitable heartbreak and ache.

And believe me it hurt. 

It hurt really bad. 

And, having been in love for the first time (I was really young a few years ago. When I met him I was about 20), and subsequently losing that love, it was beyond devastating. 

The inside of me felt: dull, dead, and so void. It felt like all of my joy had been stolen by one of those Dementors from Harry Potter. Some days I did not want to get out of bed. Some days I forced myself to do things that I did not want to do just to keep myself from moping and crying. Meanwhile, I would stay pretending to everyone that everything was okay when in actuality I was mired down in: sadness, anger, bitterness, and just perpetual emotional tumult. I wasn't even being honest to my therapist at the time. I never had a frame of reference for mending a broken heart and it was tough.

I had invested so heavily in that relationship (when, retrospectively, I should have thrown in the towel long before we even got together and made it official) that not only was I sad but I also felt physically wiped out. Again, one moment I was soaring like an eagle and the next I crashed with a broken wing that felt like it would never mend again.

In that moment, when I resolved into the ANGER stage of the dissolution of that relationship, I swore off love and relationships altogether. I wanted NOTHING to do with anyone else ever again. I never wanted the possibility of feeling that level of pain again.
I even started writing ridiculous shit about how I was going to run away to Tibet and become a Monk (although I would have preferred to be a Nun so I could wear the cute Habits). I made the choice to just wall myself off to the possibility of love altogether. If nobody got in my heart would be safe, forever.

At that time I threw myself back into the doldrums of what was my life during that period (dealing with my homophobic family, my mother who I still don't what the fuck is wrong with, and work). After that relationship ended I was snatched out of my idyllic fantasy and reacquired by the real world.  It sucked and on top of that I was still coping with healing a wounded heart.

Anyway...

Slowly but surely my life began to come together in a more positive way and eventually I started letting go of the relationship and love that I had given up (it was me that ended it. I didn't want to. I just knew that I had to). However, I never properly mourned the end because, again, I was too pride filled to even admit that I loved this person with my entire heart. To actually say it, even to myself, would have indicated weakness. To say that I missed him so much that I could hardly stand it would have sent me spiraling into blame, shame, and self doubt. I just couldn't deal honestly with my feelings, y'know?

However...

The day eventually came, some years later, and I was able to say, "You know what? I did love and care about him. I did really miss him. And it really sucked that it ended the way that it ended!"

The ending was so abrupt.

And there was absolutely zero closure (I haven't talked to this person since the breakup, almost six years ago. The only person who reached out to me was his ex-girlfriend who confided that he put her through the exact same thing).

That was hard to get over.

But I came to grips and really let go.

Still, admittedly, I have had my defenses up. Granted, in the subsequent years, I've had dalliances with quite a few gentlemen callers (I'm not a ho or anything but I am grown! I can do what and who I wanna do!). The guys I dealt with I never saw them as "relationship material" (as they were emotionally unavailable) but I liked what each of them offered me at the time.  Hindsight, I picked them all because--at that time--It was all that I needed and wanted. I just needed the connections and the affirmation that great sex and friendship can provide. Basically, I've had a series of fuck buddies who were really cool, just not suitable for me in the long run.

Moreover, unbeknownst to myself, I've been quietly cultivating this wonderful relationship with MYSELF. Since leaving home and being a bachelor I've learned to really enjoy my own company. I've taken time with myself that I had, up until a few years ago, never been able to do because my time had always been in service to someone else. It wasn't until I relinquished the throes of familial responsibility and romantic love that I was able to just be me, Prince Todd.
My life, as of current, has been this wonderful delayed adolescence (as I spent most of my teens being a parent to an adult). I've been very experimental whilst indulging my curiosities, particularly when it comes to my sexuality and sexual expression. More importantly I've been indulging myself in all of the things that I love sans any apology to anyone. I've learned that it is my life and if it harm none then I will continue doing whatever I will.  I've learned to, in the past few years, to really and truly love who I am in totality.

So, I guess the answer to the question of, "Why am I still single?" is...

I haven't met anyone wonderful enough that would make me want to change how things are right now.

Seriously, I am really comfortable and happy with my life that if someone cannot come along and contribute to that happiness why would I want to jeopardize that?

I say this because...

I see so many of my gay brethren pining away for romantic love and the idea of "The One" (something that I stopped believing in after high school. That soul mate who will "complete" you and your sentences. Yeah that shit) that it is maddening.
I guess with the greater acceptance and normalization of homosexuality in our larger culture we've fallen into the same hetero-normative trappings of our straight counterparts. We've created this falsified narrative that to be in a relationship should be the goal and not simply some blissful place that you wind up in by happy accident. And if you aren't then your life is an abysmal failure...

"Not I!" said THIS cat...

Yes, I would like to feel that love thing again, totally. I'd love to be someone's one and only; however, I am of the mind that there is a possibility that it may not happen for me. There is the possibility that I could be a single old queen when I turn 70.
You know what?

That is okay.
Because it doesn't make my life any less meaningful or important than someone who is in a relationship or marriage. No matter what I know that I will always be loved and cherished because I have myself.  Again, yes, again, I would like the former but if it doesn't happen that certainly will never ever be deemed a low point in my life.
I'm going to keep on: traveling, making friends, writing, and doing things that I love to do for as long as I shall live, whether I am partnered or not.
And in the meantime I will keep having affairs with other men until the right man that I want to be monogamous with comes along.

Ultimately, I just realized that I love the drama free nature of my life and if that is all you can contribute then I would rather be alone. But if you come along and make me smile so much that keeping you around is a must then I welcome that!

Yeah, I am looking. I am dating.  I am ready for love. But not at the price of losing myself, I won't do that again. My heart is my most precious commodity and it is mine to bequeath to whom I choose. Therefore, I need a dude in my life who handles this heart like the priceless jewel that it is.

I am not afraid of love anymore but I know that love lost can leave you broken. So I would prefer taking a chance on someone who is worth that risk.

In the past I had a habit of choosing men that were emotionally unavailable because I was in that same space. Now, for a relationship, I need the antithesis. I want someone who is as ready as I am to fall in love.

But...

Either way I am going to be fine. My life is a delicious piece of cake and love will be the glittery sprinkles on top. I can wait for those, and if not the cake if still going to be delicious.

To that end Valentine's Day is coming up and honestly, right now, it is just another day for me. I no longer dread it because I am not heaping these expectations upon myself to be in a relationship.

With Love...

Sincerely,

Prince Todd.